Lessons in Communication

In aviation circles, variants of this story have been doing the rounds for years. The factual basis is that many airlines and airforces ask pilots to complete a ‘gripe sheet’ of any mechanical problems on the aircraft report after every flight which they pass to the ground crew.

These responses (usually attributed to Quantas ground crew) are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The action taken by the ground crew.)

1. Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
2. Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

1. Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2. Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

1. Something loose in cockpit.
2. Something tightened in cockpit.

1. Dead bugs on windshield.
2. Live bugs on back-order.

1. Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

1. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2. Evidence removed.

1. DME volume unbelievably loud.
2. DME volume set to more believable level.

1. Friction locks causing throttle levers to stick.
2. That’s what they’re there for.

1. IFF inoperative.
2. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

1. Suspected crack in windshield.
2. Suspect you’re right.

1. Number 3 engine missing.
2. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

1. Aircraft handles funny.
2. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

1. Target radar hums.
2. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

1. Mouse in cockpit.
2. Cat installed.

1. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
2. Took hammer away from midget.